That's the question I ask myself: Can I take another step? Get up in the morning, put one foot in front of the other. Again and again.
How could I have been so stupid? Hours spent reading to figure out how the hell people work, and it was all written right there in plain sight. How could I not have understood? But maybe I did understand, and there was nothing I could do about it because, deep down, I'm weak.
Yesterday I was supposed to see the woman I love. My damn days go by thinking of her, so beautiful and so harmful to me. It was all written in plain sight on her face, to her, I'm just another prey. Yet I kept seeing her again and again. Why? Why can't I change, put the brakes on myself? The answer is always the same: because I'm weak, because deep down I don't want to change.
Yesterday she was with another man. The first sensation was like a punch to the stomach, but I know it well. Suddenly the house of cards, this damned delusional state I was living in, collapsed in on itself. I already knew everything, but the cortex doesn't communicate with the limbic system; at least they don't speak the same language.
That feeling of pain again, a plunge into an icy sea. The constellation of my demons from the past lit up in my mind like a Christmas tree. And on the way home, I cried. I managed to cry, and I felt better.
Why are you so beautiful? Why during the day I can't think of anything but you? And yet you're so evil. To be treated like an object, and yet to go back to you 100 times, and another 100,000 times, feeling worse and worse each time.
So what now? That's the question I ask myself every time. Where do I start over?